What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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