It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
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