come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
