Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
