I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
