I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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