My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
