dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Rumble strips road head = magical
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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