News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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