It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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