I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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