dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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