You work out of a Hotel?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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