Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
