Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
