quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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