Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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