chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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