Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
