Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
sarcasm needs its own font
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
