no one should ever give us hovercrafts
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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