I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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