Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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