my sisters under your porch take her home
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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