Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
