he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
ugly people sure do ruin things
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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