I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
