I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
