Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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