Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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