if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
