how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
