Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
