life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
if i can run in heels then i can drive
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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