Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
