i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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