Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
