I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
