allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
i've created a new STD.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
