When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
