Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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