I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
