I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
His hands were made for my vagina.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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