I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
