well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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