Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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