she sounds like chewbacca in bed
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
