All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
