me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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