I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I accidentally had phone sex last night
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
