Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
You can't just leave with hair like that
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
