oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
