I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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