One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize