I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
