I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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