omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize