I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
