If that was your dad, he is hot
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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