Who wears a wallet chain?!
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
