Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize