I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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