i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
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