Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Randomize
