It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
