ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
