I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
